..... ([info]vixenesque93) wrote in [info]booju_mooju,
2010-02-12 11:45:00
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but...but...it's not the real thing!

Congratulations! Your daughter is marrying her live-in boyfriend of several years.

However-they have decided that while they will have a full ceremony and vows, they will not sign any marriage certificates and thus not be legally recognized as a married couple in anything other than their church/religious beliefs/etc. Your state doesn't recognize common-law marriage, and there are no legal hurdles to them getting a civil marriage-they just don't want it and do not have any intention of changing this.

How do you react? Does your opinion change if it's a different church/religion than the one you follow?

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  • 45 comments

[info]itsjustaphase

February 12 2010, 19:48:13 UTC 2 years ago

Respect their decision because it's none of my business.

[info]audiobiblio

February 12 2010, 20:11:31 UTC 2 years ago

I wouldn't have any problem with it whatsoever. It's none of my business in the first place, but even if it were, I wouldn't be opposed to their decision.

[info]bloodpara

February 12 2010, 20:21:00 UTC 2 years ago

"Your daughter is marrying her live-in boyfriend" + "they will not sign any marriage certificates" = Does not compute.

If they wanna have a big dress up party with cake and flowers, that's up to them.




[info]indomitable_one

February 13 2010, 08:41:14 UTC 2 years ago

So if your daughter was marrying her live-in girlfriend and didn't have the choice of her marriage being recognized by the state, then you still would call her wedding a big dress-up party?

[info]l0verlada

February 12 2010, 20:25:27 UTC 2 years ago

Am I paying for any of it? No? Then I don't give a damn. If they want to throw a big expensive party- go for it!

[info]kat89

February 12 2010, 20:43:19 UTC 2 years ago

I wouldn't agree with what they're doing but what can we do? They're adults. They would know that we disagree but other than that, I'd respect their decision as long as me or my husband aren't paying for it... seems pointless though.

[info]imwithrebel

February 12 2010, 21:02:03 UTC 2 years ago

Sounds like someone's playing an expensive game of dress up that I won't be paying for, lol.

[info]indomitable_one

February 13 2010, 08:41:36 UTC 2 years ago

So if your daughter was marrying her live-in girlfriend and didn't have the choice of her marriage being recognized by the state, then you still would call her wedding an expensive game of dress-up?

[info]brandyc

2 years ago

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[info]indomitable_one

2 years ago

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[info]brandyc

2 years ago

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[info]wholeytoast

2 years ago

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[info]kalliope_us

2 years ago

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[info]modestmichelle

2 years ago

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[info]brandyc

2 years ago

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[info]mkiero

February 12 2010, 21:46:51 UTC 2 years ago

I would strongly urge them to reconsider since it is in their best interests to be legally wed if the other passes away or the relationship fails but I would fully support them. I would not get them the kind of gift that they would get if they were really getting married as they are just paying a whole lot to play dress up. I might help though in the making of flower arrangements etc just because I do love doing that stuff.

[info]ayanamisama

February 12 2010, 21:58:05 UTC 2 years ago

I'm all for it, but you get one "wedding" where I'll help you out and make a big deal out of it. Just the one. So if she were to get legally married (whether to her current SO or someone else later) I wouldn't be making a big deal out of it.

[info]morningapproach

February 12 2010, 23:26:01 UTC 2 years ago

at least it's not a post-it wedding!!

Whatever, is what I say. If they consider themselves married then I got no problem with it. As long as when/if they have kids they cover themselves legally for custody and benefits and such.

[info]thiswaste

March 3 2010, 08:50:58 UTC 2 years ago

lol @ post-it wedding.

Whatever makes them happy, I say. So what if the state doesn't recognise it?

[info]jadeejf

February 13 2010, 03:02:32 UTC 2 years ago

That's fine by me- if they don't want the privileges that come with being married in the eyes of the government, more power to 'em, as far as I'm concerned. I don't think the government should be involved in marriage myself, so good for them.

[info]rain_and_snow

February 13 2010, 13:59:44 UTC 2 years ago

Is it a point they're making about the difference in rights between legally married couples, and those who cannot be legally married?

[info]ruchel

February 13 2010, 18:04:57 UTC 2 years ago

If it's a Jewish wedding, I would simply warn them most rabbis will not marry them without a civil marriage first (France here). And that they would have to forever explain that they are married. Maybe they can get married in Israel so they don't need a civil?

If it's not a Jewish wedding, there is a much bigger problem than "is it legal or not".

[info]savageparrot

February 16 2010, 23:16:41 UTC 2 years ago Edited:  February 16 2010, 23:17:31 UTC

Assuming they both work... meh.

If she's going to be raising the kids, then running the risk of being left with nothing if he ever does decide to leave seems kind of foolish but it's her decision in the end.

[info]uberliz

March 2 2010, 20:29:30 UTC 2 years ago

It doesn't work that way.

If they're biologically his children he's responsible for them regardless of whether he married their mother.

[info]savageparrot

2 years ago

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[info]uberliz

2 years ago

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[info]modestmichelle

2 years ago

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[info]uberliz

2 years ago

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[info]soapinha

February 28 2010, 23:40:13 UTC 2 years ago

How do you react?

I'm happy for them. If they are both part of a religion that values marriage, and particularly marriage as more than just a piece of paper, then most definitely, I am happy they have both decided to make that commitment.

I'm religious myself, and so marriage is certainly more than what is defined by the State law, to me. However, my only concern would the genuine legal benefits available to them; such as wills, children if they have them, visitation in hospitals, and so on.

Does your opinion change if it's a different church/religion than the one you follow?

No.

[info]coinin

March 1 2010, 00:38:58 UTC 2 years ago

My parents never had the ceremony or the certificate because my mother doesn't believe those equate commitment. I am getting the certificate, but the ceremony is going to be at the JOP (which I honestly don't think should be necessary, but okay...), so, no, it wouldn't bother me because it's her marriage and it's for her to decide how she wants to start it off.

[info]nacho_cheese

March 1 2010, 17:21:32 UTC 2 years ago

Not my issue. After all, if that's what they want, that's what they want! I'd hesitate sinking money into it, but that hesitance would come from the fact that wedding ceremonies (legal or not) are expensive as hell, and I'd want them to really think about the commitment they're making to one another and that they aren't getting into this frivolously. I only want to have to pay for one wedding, legal or not. ;)

Nope. My spirituality doesn't change my opinion on the matter.

[info]pimentoplane

March 1 2010, 23:27:57 UTC 2 years ago

Legally speaking, it might be more convenient for them to have everything on the books and done up official. Other than that, I really wouldn't care. Marriage is still marriage without the certificate.

[info]the_summoning_d

March 1 2010, 23:44:50 UTC 2 years ago

(Yep, late to the party, that's me)

Personally I think it would be better for them to be legally recognised as a married couple from a purely practical standpoint. But beyond that, so long as they're happy, whatever she fancies. Good for her.

Though I do have to say that a) it seems odd to me that a couple interested purely in the religious aspect would have been living together beforehand, though maybe that's just the Catholic upbringing warping my perspectives, and b) if any child of mine was interested purely in the religious aspect, he or she would have long since stopped caring what I thought about anything.

[info]uberliz

March 2 2010, 20:27:17 UTC 2 years ago

Did you know that married couples pay more for health insurance than non married couples who live together?

[info]the_summoning_d

2 years ago

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[info]uberliz

2 years ago

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[info]archinatrix

March 2 2010, 04:17:11 UTC 2 years ago

I totally believe that standing up in front of a hundred friends and family members and declaring my intention to be with someone forever is quite a bit more "real" than going to the courthouse and signing a piece of paper with a couple witnesses.

[info]uberliz

March 2 2010, 20:26:17 UTC 2 years ago

I agree.

"Real" regarding marriage is very subjective.

[info]modestmichelle

2 years ago

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[info]uberliz

March 2 2010, 20:25:34 UTC 2 years ago

Marriage is a religious thing. Well, it started that way. The root is religious. That's why some scream "MARRIAGE IS A MAN AND A WOMAN, THE BIBLE SAYS SO!!!!!!"

So personally, making the commitment to each other before God is good enough. All a marriage certificate does is make it harder to leave (if that happens.)

Re: the original post:
Technically, that would be called a commitment ceremony. And I would be happy for them that they found love and happiness.

[info]medea34

March 3 2010, 00:16:37 UTC 2 years ago

i don't think a marriage needs recognition of church or state. my province recognized common-law marriage, but if it didn't i would just suggest that they make sure their affairs are structured appropriately (hire a lawyer, sign a pre-nup, make a will and a power of attorney - your god may recognize your vows, but that won't stand up in court).

[info]modestmichelle

March 3 2010, 02:58:42 UTC 2 years ago

let them be HAPPY. you are and always will be a mother, but she's a woman now. she knows what is best/not best for her. if she wants to get married infront of God and not the state, i think that's amazing. so, let them be happy and let yourself be happy for them.

[info]whatyouthinkiam

March 3 2010, 10:28:01 UTC 2 years ago

Hm. I think I come from a different perspective here. I'm gay, and an atheist, and, simultaneously, a big believer in marriage.

Marriage has, as I see it, three valid roles: legal (~1500 legal rights and responsibilities), religious (if it applies for the couple in question), and social (a public commitment to one's partner).

I don't have much to say about the religious part, it's all song and (rain) dance to me.

As for the legal portion, I should hope that any child of mine would know the importance of legal marriage, considering their parents' situation. It's not just a piece of paper, it's the right to authorize medical treatment for an ailing spouse, it's the right to receive their pension, be on their insurance without issue, it's a million other things, too. They're all important.

More than that, the legal and the social functions are intertwined. When a gay couple chooses to have a ceremony, the guests understand their situation, and respect the ceremony as a public declaration of marital intent. When a straight couple has a ceremony, but not a marriage certificate, the question of "why" immediately comes up. Because they explicitly reject the legal rights and responsibilities, it strongly suggests withholding, and hedging their bets. It takes away from this feeling of commitment.

It's not that I would refuse to go. I just wouldn't feel in my heart that it's honest, that it's 100%, and that it's really a wedding. I'd support my child, and I'd go, but I'd encourage her to really marry him later.

[info]onehotbeeyatch

March 6 2010, 03:31:37 UTC 2 years ago

I do not regret getting married but I'll tell you what, dealing with taxes was a HELLOVA lot easier before the fact. Also, I had money practically thrown at me to go to school when I was 'paying rent' with my live-in boyfriend/fiance for several years. Not now. Oh no. In fact the best thing thats happened just legally/fiscally is that the car insurance rates went down and I can supply my self-employed husband health insurance. I can barely get a government LOAN for school, by the way because suddenly I must be on some millionaire list - but I digress... point is, there ARE benefits of not being legally married.

One thing though, tell them to make each other beneficiaries for life insurance, legal whatchacallit (the term escapes me at the moment) for if one of the other gets sick so they can make decisions for one another, etc. THAT is the benefit of making it 'legal'.

[info]songinabottle

March 8 2010, 01:26:05 UTC 2 years ago

I would think its wonderful as long as they view it as a real marriage themselves. I dont believe I need a peice of paper to say Im married. But if its one of those I wanna say husband and wife, but am afraid because divorce is expensive....then its a cop out.

bottom line. Marriage is personal so if they're serious about it its a real wonderful marriage and Im happy for them and will treat it as such
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